1. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
2. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
3. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
4. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
5. He who hesitates is probably right.
6. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
7. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
8. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
9. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to press on it.
10. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
11. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
12. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
13. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
14. Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.
15. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corollary is: You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)
16. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
17. Monday is an awful way to spend one-seventh of your life.
18. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.